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You say control freak like it’s a bad thing

January 5, 2012

Despite it being the beginning of a new year, I didn’t set out intending to write a typical “New Year’s Resolution” blog entry. However, this did end up being very reminiscent of what I write about at the beginning of every year. This time though it’s not so much about how I want to eat healthier, exercise more often, manage my time better, etc. This time it’s different. This is about gaining control of my life.

The past few months have involved a lot of soul searching. I was on a quest to figure out why I felt so disconnected. Even though I was lucky enough to have a good job and have friends & family to spend time with, I wasn’t feeling anything. And that was scary. So I devoted some serious time and energy to figuring out why I felt the way I did, and finally I realized what was happening. I was just a passenger in my own life. I felt less like I was living and more like I was surviving.

After determining why I felt the way I did, I figured I should devote the same amount of time and energy to determining how to stop feeling that way. My initial thoughts were to play the blame game. I blamed my work schedule for not leaving me enough time to have a life. I blamed my lack of energy for not getting out and actually trying new things. I even blamed my self imposed budget. Then I had to decide that I was tired of being complacent. I had to decide to take a more proactive role in my own life.

I thought back to a time when I felt like I was truly enjoying life, and I made a list of what had changed since then. I realized that my days of carrying around and consulting my planner were over. The days of making list after list of tasks to accomplish had passed. I had given up seeking out opportunities to learn new things, to explore new places or even to just be social. The hardest part of the whole process was accepting responsibility for where I had ended up. We all want to place blame on the outside things that effect our lives, but in reality we are all in charge of where we’re going and how we’re getting there.

My goal in writing this wasn’t to create a New Year’s Resolution, though I feel like that’s where it ended up. Except this year I can’t make a bullet point list of the things I want to accomplish in the next 365 366 days because there is really only one thing I need to focus on. I am going to gain control of my life again. Some days are going to be crazy and I’ll probably feel like I don’t even have time to catch my breath, yet other days will be not so crazy. My goal is to gain control of those crazy days by seizing every opportunity and to gain control of those not so crazy days by filling my time with things that are productive. Once I learn to gain control again I will start to shift back into the driver’s seat of this vehicle called my life.

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